director's cut

i'm an actress, born to be one, and lives as one. life is my stage, strangers are my audience, emptiness is my cue. i lived half of my life in reality, knowing what is true, grateful for its veracity. half of it dwells in lies however, and it’s my choice, i wanted everything masked, i wanted it numb. i look at myself in the mirror and i couldn't fathom the real me, i am this good you know, i told you i was an actress didn't i? did i mention my favorite genre is comedy? i find laughing soothing, slapstick stunt comforting, sarcasm relaxing, it helps me forget. you may be wondering what had been bothering me, or what had happened that made me like this, i’m at a loss to tell you what it is, or maybe there was one, or another, but i could determine no longer, maybe they were repressed in time. i spend my day playing the character i intend to be, i act happy when the truth is i'm hurting. i often find myself filled with longing, though i could not recognize what is it that I feel my life is missing. so i continue with this act, but i do not intend this to be forever, in some way I pray that to may find that curtain call.  some time however, i am myself, she's lonely, she's worried, she's empty. i didn't like it, never liked that feeling. i always wonder if i get to shout my heart out will i be relieved? i'm thinking, there i stand beside a bridge just in time a bullet train would pass by, then i shall scream, scream this burden inside me. that's just my thought, i never get the chance to see a bullet train yet. after reflecting into reality, i smile at myself, and just that, i'm in act again. this time however, i'm at ease, happy, but still empty. emptiness' a little consistent you see, and i wonder what's making it like that. i'm in a hurry, to grow, to go a distance, away from people i know and who knows me, i find this quite disturbing, i'm dependent in a way, to the people i love, but there's this urge for me to farther myself from the world i exist in. i wanted to start anew, to form an identity all over again, or rather to find the real me, or just to find something, something worthy, or yes, just something. as of now i couldn't, i make a step but i never move, i just want to break free, now. i dreamt of me being different, different from what i portray and from what i believed to be real. i liked it, a little unorthodox, and liberated, i get to be anywhere, do anything, no exceptions . i wanted to be like that, not just a role per se, but to be really like that, me in liberty. it’s still but a dream though, but i'll be practicing it, until i can get hold of the complete script or when the production is already set. now, im still here, with a little uncertainty, a little fright, i’m about to face a new audience again, tomorrow,  i already perfected this craft, what i fear is me breaking down and leaving the character, my protective facade behind. still not ready to face reality, maybe, my goals are set though, plans a little shaky, but thrusting. i may as well take one step at a time, and, well, break a leg, to reality.