B vs B

B,

to say "loving you is easy" seems to be the most pretentious words i can ever utter.
but that is the only way for me not to feel empty and alone, especially that we are complicated.
how i wish things were different, for things to be a lot easier.
where i need not pretend and i need not to feel in hiding.
i can only pray that i may be able to hold this thought, contain this feeling and pursue life a little less complex.
i need you but someone else needed you more, i want you but i could not have you, i love you but i shouldn't.
i knew that from the very start, and i shouldn't have thought of falling in love with you in the first place.
i know it was wrong, however loving you never felt that way.
i was glad, i was excited, i was me, for the very first time, a happy me.
but then at the back of my mind i knew the truth would sting my heart and that's where this stupid pain's coming from.
i guess that's natural, to be jealous, to feel secondary, but no pressure, i handle things quite great.
all i'm asking is for you to hold on, and never to leave me.
i love you but i can't shout it, i can only whisper it in your ears and mine.
it can never be enough but i can be contented with it, as long as you felt how i do and you're happy as i am.
yes loving you is never easy.
restricted, limited, suppressed, forbidden, that's us.
but that's better than not being together, than not having you, than not loving you.
selfish you'll think i am but i could not fathom a world not showing you what i felt.

indeed, to say "loving you is easy" would be the most pretentious phrase i can  utter, but then, when i begin to feel and show it, its the single most truthful move my heart has ever felt.
and i would never ever regret this, i'll be forever grateful in fact, that once in my life, i knew what the words "i love you" did mean...

-B

director's cut

i'm an actress, born to be one, and lives as one. life is my stage, strangers are my audience, emptiness is my cue. i lived half of my life in reality, knowing what is true, grateful for its veracity. half of it dwells in lies however, and it’s my choice, i wanted everything masked, i wanted it numb. i look at myself in the mirror and i couldn't fathom the real me, i am this good you know, i told you i was an actress didn't i? did i mention my favorite genre is comedy? i find laughing soothing, slapstick stunt comforting, sarcasm relaxing, it helps me forget. you may be wondering what had been bothering me, or what had happened that made me like this, i’m at a loss to tell you what it is, or maybe there was one, or another, but i could determine no longer, maybe they were repressed in time. i spend my day playing the character i intend to be, i act happy when the truth is i'm hurting. i often find myself filled with longing, though i could not recognize what is it that I feel my life is missing. so i continue with this act, but i do not intend this to be forever, in some way I pray that to may find that curtain call.  some time however, i am myself, she's lonely, she's worried, she's empty. i didn't like it, never liked that feeling. i always wonder if i get to shout my heart out will i be relieved? i'm thinking, there i stand beside a bridge just in time a bullet train would pass by, then i shall scream, scream this burden inside me. that's just my thought, i never get the chance to see a bullet train yet. after reflecting into reality, i smile at myself, and just that, i'm in act again. this time however, i'm at ease, happy, but still empty. emptiness' a little consistent you see, and i wonder what's making it like that. i'm in a hurry, to grow, to go a distance, away from people i know and who knows me, i find this quite disturbing, i'm dependent in a way, to the people i love, but there's this urge for me to farther myself from the world i exist in. i wanted to start anew, to form an identity all over again, or rather to find the real me, or just to find something, something worthy, or yes, just something. as of now i couldn't, i make a step but i never move, i just want to break free, now. i dreamt of me being different, different from what i portray and from what i believed to be real. i liked it, a little unorthodox, and liberated, i get to be anywhere, do anything, no exceptions . i wanted to be like that, not just a role per se, but to be really like that, me in liberty. it’s still but a dream though, but i'll be practicing it, until i can get hold of the complete script or when the production is already set. now, im still here, with a little uncertainty, a little fright, i’m about to face a new audience again, tomorrow,  i already perfected this craft, what i fear is me breaking down and leaving the character, my protective facade behind. still not ready to face reality, maybe, my goals are set though, plans a little shaky, but thrusting. i may as well take one step at a time, and, well, break a leg, to reality.

scar

i always liked the rain...i wanted every drop to consume me and my soul...it gives me peace of mind and some time to reflect...that is until now..

i suddenly felt lost and drowning..i just can't breathe. so many thoughts consume my mind that i didn't know what to think of first. it seems like every raindrop contains an emotion i just can't handle. some parts of me wanted to feel numb..some of it wanted to cry..some wanted to scream..looking at the dark sky is like looking at the horizon waiting to swallow me whole.and i feel so helpless.the whistling wind sound like its laughing at me..

the pouring rain and rain clouds scares me now...i ran out of sanity and i just feel so alone. i need to find a place  where i can shout these fear, these heavy emotion the rain brings me..

then i look back, i saw a blurry scene..then i remembered what made me felt this way...it was an awful sight..it was hell...not worth remembering...i hope i could just snap my fingers or close my eyes after which everything will be back to how it is then...

from this day on i will always have a scarred vision of rain...a heavy heart...and i think im no longer sane...

looking back, wanted it back

i was reading dan brown's deception point when i heard mom scream bama's name. i jumped hurriedly to see what's happening. there i saw bama lying down, lifeless. I was in awe and disbelief. He was well aminute ago then there he was with everything but life. Tears came pouring as i tried reviving him. his pupils are dilated and oral mucosa cyanotic, that moment, i hated being a nurse, i knew then he left us, without even bidding goodbye. 


he stays beside the refrigerator and sleeps at the top of the washing machine. now, i can't look at those two house spots for i'll surely shed tears. he'll always be the first to climb up the gate when we arrive and the last one to glimpse every time we're leaving. now i can't seem to leave the house for i'll surely miss his stares and loving reception. when taking a bath, he turns his head towards dad or my sister, seeking assurance he'll be safe and secured, now, i don't know how we'll be able to resume their bath schedules for we might bath the dogs with tears. everything is in static. 


we use to compose songs for our dogs and sing our hearts out while they listen...he got the most songs by the way. it will be a while before i hear dad dog-sing again. did i mention he can talk too?yes he does bark and he makes this unusual sound "ók-ok-ok-ok", i will miss his voice...


i named him after obama, knowing the president named his dog "beau" or something like that. i took revenge and named this little pup, "bama-o", sometimes, bamz, madz as how tatay jo would call him.just recently we called him manong bamz, for a new commer, beeboy arrived. 


he's the cottonball. when they were still pupz, he has this fluffy white furcoat. he looks regal but mostly cuddly. you could not resist putting him in your lap and play with him all day. growing up, he was handsome. he was prettyboy actually, and everyone agrees when we say that. we'll miss his fur, his coat, his eyes, his tail..we'll miss him. 


tonight's dreadful, everyone is in denial, in grief. if only i could save him, i would. i'm worried for dad, bama is special to him, his favorite, his buddy, his son. He's bursting out tears like i've never seen before, he's in pain. i would do anything just to ease that. i want bama here again, breathing, barking, licking our faces, playing with his bro peytrick, here, with us. my sister's the same, she's depressed and unable to cope. i pray bama will help us go through this. from the heavens, i hope he'll give us peace of mind, help us accept he's with God already.


our lives will never be the same again.  every night, i think i'll sulk and cry thinking he should still be here with us. if this is a dream, then i would want to wake up now. his loss is hell. i really don't handle losses very well. it'll take forever before i can really say goodbye. 


bamz, you know how much ate bo loves you, and how much dad, mum and iss love you. we're hurting 'coz you never get to say goodbye, you were well and later i'm burying you, and you're forever gone. just wanna say we'll miss you bamz, and never will we forget you. bless us from where you are, and always remember our hearts will continue to beat the love we have for you...

terminal

Years have passed and still I wait for the boat of love to conquer the waves of romance and reach me. I sometimes fear that it may have been long gone and moved on, and missed the island where i lay upon. Yet faith overcame the doubt and yes, I believe that it might have just been on detour and soon it'll reach my shores. 

sentiments...

When my 60 seconds came around i realized i had everything i ever wanted... but nothing i really needed. and i think what i need is here. and i came all this way to see if you maybe think so too...


May you never steal, lie, or cheat, but if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows, and if you must lie, lie with me all the nights of my life, and if you must cheat, then please cheat death because I couldn't live a day without you. 

speechless still

i love you...and its too late to let go of this feeling...
however...i just can't put it into words......i hope i can make it more obvious...
but i seldom see you...and seldom can i show how much i love you...

-from a note attached to a green rose